kinda want to know who reads this.

comment if you do, plz! you can stay anonymous, i dont care.


today feels like it was short. stupid work. got some crap done though. and got to see avatar in 3D, pretty sick.

i think its funny that i always gravitate towards people older than me. seems like all my friends anymore are a year or more older. a select few that arent, but they act mature (ish) ;]

i cant believe its christmas eve already! i think i get to open presents tomorrow.

listening to "be here now" by ray lamontagne on repeat.

i still dont feel like i have any close friends. it sounds retarded and high maitenence, but it just feels like i have all aquaintences. it feels like people dont want to be real with me, the people that should be? no idea. i'm just frustrated. i long for deep conversations with people. i'm sick of this surface-level stuff complain-about-everything-because-i'm-the-center-of-the-universe. fjdksa;lknl.

i feel like i need to start over, with someone i dont know. just randomly make friends with some girl, and be a great great great friend to her, and perhaps shed return the favor. or better yet a guy...haha. i'm not so sure if i'm ready to be exclusive though...being single is so fun.

i really want to volunteer starting next semester. i'm going to do that instead of uni singers. because i'd only be doing the singers for my own benifit because i sort of miss it and i think i have somewhat of a talent for it. someday i'll try out for chorale, i think, because thats the only one id really want to be in, its more exclusive, and better.

anyway. back to volunteering. i dont know what i'd do, i kind of want to make/serve food to people at the catholic worker house like i used to. i felt like that was one of the more fufilling things i've done. actual homeless people in waterloo go there to eat. i'll ask my old teacher if he still does it. we had a great time talking too.

that was a great thing i learned at st edwards. service. its so rewarding, and like, benificial to the community, but like you dont recieve any real gains besides feeling good about yourself? and for me, it just puts everything back into perspective. i am made to serve God and others. all i do is serve myself.

i think thats what keeps us running in circles.

church at cvcc tomorrow. hope it goes alright. pray that i'm not too judgemental/distracted.

being open.

hmm. lots of stuff flyin by me lately. i've learned that i can be a huge lazy butt when it comes to the end of semester. its like i try to avoid being stressed out so much that i simply dont care about what my grades end up being. ha. i've been staying up soooooo late this past week, when i should've been studying and jank. oh well.



i dont feel like i've got my priorities quite straight lately either. last weekend was great and all, but it made me a little burned out? i really just want to leave town and spend a while alone. i have to quit looking for God somewhere in the world, or shortcuts to Him, because the only way to Him is...through Him! haha. i have been pretty selfish with my time lately though. it feels like this happens a lot when i have tons of school stuff to do...i sort of let it pile up and do nothing about it, and most of the time doing other things instead and filling my mind with things that dont matter so much.



haaaaa.

*later...

mind officially blown. just rollin with it. what the crap is going on. but i'm not worried. haha! woo..
this was said to me tonight and i'm keeping it as a reminder:

"it's the damn watered down, comfortable, middle class american christianity bullshit that views christ as a pitiful, scrawny dead guy on a crucifix. jesus is no wuss! he is a conqueror! he is a fighter! and he grants us (ME) the authority to fight in his name. and i choose to fight mediocrity. i choose to fight the programmed life of career, achievement, performance, evaluation, and stock market. i am not my khakis. i am not what i own. i am not what i think about myself or what the world thinks about me. i am righteous because jesus told me so. i am love because GOD himself wraps his arms around and around and around me and tells me he loves me and everything will be okay."

-not trying to make you a big deal, but that is such a good reminder. this is life...i'm God's girl. everything is already done, i'm just supposed to live all of me for Him. no worries.

i'm too tired to go much in depth. tomorrow is a new day. thank the Lord above!!!

my mind is reeling, yet i'm at peace.

it might be the mood lighting in here. huge fan of it, by the way. christmas lights, lamp and vanity light is on. glorious.

so i had a crazy weekend. something different from the work or homework or friends that ususally take up my weekends. (not in a bad way). but yeah. being in a forced leadership role can do a lot to a person. it makes you learn stuff, no matter what. i've always felt like i have had a good-ish perception of God (more recently than ever), and this weekend reassured this for me.

...i just got hit with a wave of tired. uck. blogging another time.

left out? again?

this is the reason i dont gussy up like i used to. and i'm getting the results! though it still holds me back. sorry i have confidence? sorry your bad mood keeps me from seeing you?

i'm sorry. really tee'd about this. honestly, after high school and right now like most times i really do not try to look good for anyone. i've turned into a jeans and tshirt girl. i'm pretty much a bro because i hang out with guys all the time. and really, it gets old. i love my guy friends but i dont have very many girl friends. and the ones i have get pissy about me hanging with guys.

idk. i'm just sick of all of this. i want to love on girls too but its like i'm not allowed. our retarded social rules stop us. theres a border that i can't cross with a guy friend that i can with a girlfriend, i long for that.

come to think of it i've never really had a great female sidekick. i've never been one either. i'd like to. i feel like i try pretty hard. but whatever.

another thing thats been bothering me. i'm not close to much of my family. its like after 16 or so, some just kinda give up on caring/pretend caring. idk.

no one REALLY cares. we all suck at being thankful for what we have. haha, myself included, obviously.

... -_-. happy thanksgiving.

"Do as you please, shame will follow.



The sun and the moon: you'll always take them for granted. What's delicate is lost. As the selfish forgot what is sacred, the humble forget themselves.



When worded correctly, truth is never a cliche; this is because so many are attached to their deaf ears."



danger:wildman by the devil wears prada.





i'm so glad i've never gotten into all the drinking crap. its such a cliche to me. but i'm trying not to judge those who do because i know myself and others who do unhealthy things to relieve our whatever, make ourselves look cool for whatever reason, draw attention to ourselves in some way.



man my head hurts. break has been sooo stinkin lazy for me. i need to get on the ball tomorrow. i've got a few things to do for school...good thing i've still got the rest of the week :]



been listening to a lot of mutemath lately. its good driving music. i still need to burn cinematic orchestra and owen onto cdssss so i can listen to them in da ca. (the car.)



i keep thinking about those lyrics. "all mistakes can be marked by borders"...so true. people dont cross a line and not realize it, unless theres like a mental sickness. why is there that line? "all of love can be traced to a maker". how on earth could we all be an accident.

these arent arguements...just me pondering. if we were all an accident...what is there to live for...each other? maybe? why do we love?

hmm. :]

i should sleep. hope you're having a swell thanksgiving.

giving

this next year is looking hopeful.

i've been praying lately that i can be that person who people look at and know what i'm all about. that my faith will overflow from the inside out. i want to love more than anything. i want to give more than anything. hopefully next semester will allow me a little more time to do some volunteer work, because i feel like when i give my time and self away for the cause of Christ or others benifit, i really know who i am, i have that sense of meaning in life.

and it all makes sense...because its what we're made for! its so easy to forget that.

"you hold the universe. you hold everyone on earth. you hold the universe. you hold."

quiet everything and just "be" in His presence. its wonderful. peaceful.

i would blog more but i have to study!! :/

(letter to self.) reality

its not what you keep thinking it is.
please dont forget that you might die in the next few minutes. days. weeks.
dont let it freak you out, its just truth.
remember what is on the other side of this life. this only life. you only die once.
remember what you're truly living for.
are you living for self-gain?
give yourself away in order to gain what is the best.
it won't be found on this earth. in this time.
so quit searching around like your going to find life's answers here.
go to the One who is perfect. without flaw.
go to Him broken. He never tires of you or your problems. He loves you.
and is with you always.

praise to you Jesus, for never leaving me. though i run circles, You're still here to calm me. all i need.

abstract

in 2d concepts we watched a movie about ray johnson. and it got me in one of those artsy moods where my thinking just goes completely a-wall. not in a bad way, just some things tend to open doors in my mind. what a great feeling.

maybe part of that is me getting a full nights rest last night. who knows.

i seriously need to start carrying a little notebook with me to write down my random thoughts and philosophies...! because i thought of something on the way to that class that i really enjoyed, but i cant remember a thing about it...

anyway. this guy ray johnson was completely mysterious. one man on the film described him as a collage himself, not really a person. what a great example of putting your whole being into something you love, his whole life till his death. what i thought was hilarious is one of his friends describing when they took a walk, and a person in front of them dropped their coffee jar filled with grounds. as they passed it, he says "coffee break".

i mean really. how funny is that.

today's a good day.

simply love.

holy buckets of love.
literally. haha. its crazy. i was hit with it on thursday. its amazing, how one can be in a puddle, a pitious puddle of no hope headed straight for the nothingness of darkness, and along comes someone else, even better a group of people just like you. and they share a story of similar dispair. and your puddle dries up and becomes a cloud again. that instantly. crazy, i tell you! love is so...blah! a miracle in itself. because it's also God. and i'm starting to sort of grasp kind of this love He has for us. i was reading psalm 121 the other night, and i just sat there and read it over and over. it talks about how God never sleeps in order to keep us from falling, and how He is our only help. i guess its just a concept i've never come across before...i could just picture in my mind Jesus sitting by my bedside, watching me sleep...such like a tender thing.
once love is remembered, nothing makes sense, but it does at the same time. you can feel like you completely know nothing, but with love you have all the understanding ever and more. i'm starting to read The Shack and its stinkin awesome. i love the quote in there:

"there are times when you choose to believe something that would normally be considered absolutely irrational. it doesn't mean that it is actually irrational, but it surely is not rational. Perhaps there is suprarationality: reason beyond the normal definitions of fact or data-based logic; something that makes sense only if you can see a bigger picture of reality. Maybe that is where faith fits in."

love it. love love love. nothing can take this away from me.

9/23/09

MLIA of the day: Today, I had to go to the washroom. As I was sitting there, going about my business, I casually glanced to my right. Someone had written "Bathroom stall ping pong. Look left!" Naturally, I looked left, to which I was greeted with, "Look right!" Time well wasted. MLIA

literally only have a few minutes to blog. lol.

so i am really happy right now. dont know why, but i just feel so positive about life...so much more than i have lately. like, sure, some stuff sucks....but i have JESUS!! and he has me!!! and its so awesome!! and i KNOW everything's gunna be alright...and its just gunna get better... :D

i had a petty annoyance yesterday, but of course i made it out to be so much more than it actually was. so now thats okay too. and i knew the whole time that i was being annoyed by it that it wasnt a big deal at all.

i have a lot of homework tonight :[ hopefully i can break to visit with some person(s).

tata :D
turning a year older tomorrow...

remind

me to blog more often now.
i soooo want to right now. but i gotta do some h/w. maybe later tonight.
had a thought about what it means to be free today.

<3

UCK.

"take me anywhere, wherever you going
take me anywhere, cuz nobody wants me here."

:[

i'm tired, but i cant sleep.
i'm lonely, and i'm too annoying for anyone.
i'm emo right now...and i think i'm gunna look at this later and be like wow whats up with that.

sigh.

be done before you make it worse than it is...i guess everyone has times like these.

amazing things, people are.

thought as of yesterday...we are incredibly social beings, right? so why is it so pertinant that we also have our alone time too? because i know if i don't get mine for a couple days, i start to get testy. i think i need more alone time than most people. and i don't even know how to use it right yet...

thats why i think i'm going to try doing my...i don't know what to call it. daliy devotionals are not the right words, because i don't do it daily, and i'm sure as heck not devoted to it as of now. hence the unfaithful theme. because we're all human, right...?

1 corinthians 3: 1-9

paul wrote this letter because the church of corinth was starting to conform to the world surrounding it. he addressed their faults and gave advice to help with there commitment to Jesus.

hm. sounds familiar.

"1Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly—mere infants in Christ. 2I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. 3You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere men? 4For when one says, "I follow Paul," and another, "I follow Apollos," are you not mere men?
5What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task. 6I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. 7So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. 8The man who plants and the man who waters have one purpose, and each will be rewarded according to his own labor. 9For we are God's fellow workers; you are God's field, God's building."

what first comes to mind when i read the first paragraph, i think of quarreling between churches today. i mean i don't really know how much it happens, but i know when i was little in catholic school i would try to justify that our way of doing church was better and what other churches did was somewhat weird and possibly wrong. i think people today who have not grown individually with Christ still salute to their church/denomination instead. thats why people call christians "sheltered" because they dont get out into the world and speak like scriptures tell them to. idk. they are too busy with other unimportant thoughts/things most likely. but who am i to speak for when i probably do the same thing?

i know this for a fact that i am still an infant in Christ. for one, i know i sometimes get caught up in the "trend" that we make of christianity at times. okay sweet, you like this christian band and you go to church often and you get a God-related tattoo (i'm NOT trying to condemn anyone...this is just how i see things, and i am JUST as guilty). why do you continue to make sex jokes, make fun of other people, have a closed mind about everything because your opinion matters most for some reason, act selfishly...etc etc.

like i said, i'm guilty of all of that also.

why did someone have to make a "trend" out of it? being a christian is supposed to be a life-threatening decision; following Jesus should mean potentially following him up a hill to a cross (as francis chan beautifully worded in a book called crazy love, you should check it out). i dont know, maybe i'm just thinking too much of it. its an awesome thing because i think it attracts a less-likely crowd to God, but i think we need to watch it when we start getting really comfortable in our own little group...

remember, i'm the hypocrite here. and theres many other reasons why i'm an infant. but i won't dwell on them because that won't help me grow up.

second paragraph has a lot i could talk about. i guess the basic message is to not idolize people because of what they bring to the table. footnotes from my study Bible says that we are all team workers, there are no superstars at this task of life. God picks special gifts for each of us, not one is better than the other. it all goes to God. "so neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow."

thats what everything pretty much boils down to in what is supposed to be christianity. glorify God.

cool.

"[we] are God's field, God's building."

every silence

i know you're waiting on an answer
i saw her beauty overwhelming
she keeps you draped around your shoulders
so dont
let
go.

that song has been stuck in my head all day. absolutely love it. can't wait to see them again. along with anchor&braille and barcelona. love love love love.

don't love how stephen hasn't even read my messages yet. i can't believe i let my hopes get up so high...haha. i mean, its really not a big deal, it just makes me sad. every time i've tried meeting [anberlin], i've had to pull teeth to even talk for 30 seconds at warped tour. that was super stupid. but it made me soooo happy that stephen actually talked to me about not fake stuff! enough about that... and one time, i stood outside the trailer for an hour before they peeked out the window and said no. the other time i didnt even try.

is it weird to think that, without really knowing someone, you think you could become potentially good friends? call it fan-craziness, i dont care, i honestly think we could have a lot in common, after reading his book. and all i want is to chat over coffee, about anything. i look up to him so much...

hm. i guess i shouldnt have even tried. usually the band pages respond in a few days though...



i dont have much to say from the past couple days, except how amazing rest feels.
seriously.
i've never taken that much time to rest before i think. my dad was like, forcing me to at one point. its quite a lovely thing, rest is.

another thing: i can't wait to get out of this house. its going to make everything twenty times better. for me and for everyone else. too much tension with me here. i guess thats partially my fault though. whatevs.

about arks.

tonight i went to a special night they have at the church my dad goes to called Immersion, mostly for high school/college kids...but there were all sorts of different ages there. i've always wanted to go, but am always here a day late thanks to school and such. and i also really wanted to go because i missed church on wednesday to drive here, and i'm going to miss it sunday, or end up going to a catholic service for my grandma. who knows what'll happen there.

the service was really neat. at first i felt the atmosphere was kind of lacking some fun...or like everyone was scared to have fun. but the music was really great. i actually sat next to a guy who taught the worship leaders at that church (its a church of like, probably at least 10,000 people so i'm sure they have many worship leaders!). i asked him for tips since i'm helping lead our youth group next year.

when the sermon started, a guy started playing guitar with the pastor's speaking and continued on the rest of the time. maybe there are studies that show people pay attention more with music in the background. i thought it was cool because the musical mood fit what the pastor was speaking about, like when he was talking about our broken selves, the music was somber and sad, but when he talked about the return of Jesus it became bold, sort of dark but in a powerful way.

the pastor spoke about noah's ark in a non-sundayschool view. his main point was about how God uses people in his plans. he said something really interesting that i'd never thought of: how noah building the ark was a threat to the people around him. if God called a man to build a spaceship today because he wanted to rid the world of evil (which He promised He'd never do again, so it won't happen), everyone around him who believed would probably hate his guts because they couldn't board the ship with the man.

its interesting that the return of the Son of man is going to be like in noah's time. at least thats what it says in matthew 24:37. if someone could answer this for me it'd be awesome: is God's wiping out mankind the same as the end times? i dont think it is, because it would be breaking His own promise.

i haven't read up a whole lot on end times, but i really really hope i get to see it happen. well, not so much the plagues and stuff, but what i really want to see is the Son coming up from the eastern sky. hooooooly holy holy thats going to be the best moment ever. not exaggerating with that phrase like i often do (did you know exaggerating is a sin? its in james somewhere...). won't it be our first glipse of Jesus? the first hint of home is near.

so, something else i just thought of. will we go straight to heaven first...or will we go into "soul's sleep" and ressurect from it when Jesus comes to get us?

(man. if your not a christian, the above statement will have you thinking i'm crazy. haha. i'm okay with that though.)

its something i've always had on my mind. that guy who wrote the book about dying and going to heaven then coming back to life said he went right to the gates, seeing his gone-before family and friends first. then i didnt get any further because a) i really dont want it to be spoiled for me, even though i'll be satisfied way beyond anything i can imagine, and b) how could we possibly know if the guy was lying or delusional or not. he's just a man. but like i said, you never know what God's up to.

back to arks, the pastor ended with "what's your ark?" aka what has God called you to do. its amazing that God picks something out for each one of us, and its perfect. one may want to do great things, but settles for where they are at now because its God-glorifying. or someone unlikely accomplishes great feits for the Lord.

we are pretty much clueless without Him, basically. but everything works out. i theorized today out loud to my dad about how any person/group who is in charge of any job/organization has to sometimes go with something and have not a clue of the outcome, and sometimes not have a good reason why. he told me that those are the people who get better at what they do, because they aren't just fixing wrongs back to rights all the time. people sometimes have to tinker around until a possible solution is finished, and then let it fly free.

that could relate to a lot of things. i should probably stop before i write a book.
i want to end with some lyrics in my head right now.

sometimes i'm on a mountain, holdin on to Your hand
sometimes i'm in the middle, holdin the best i can
sometimes i'm in the valley, and i let go long ago
when my hand is weak and tired
You're hand still has a hold

its so incredibly true that He holds on when we dont. He covers our unfaithfulness. amen amen amen!!

this is all kind of out of my hands, really.

honestly, i really dont know how this all happened.

i was just on my merry way...looking at some of stephen christian's blogs on modesty writers guild...

i seriously dont remember how i ended up getting a blogger account. no joke.

...thinking...

oh well, i guess. i'm pretty positive this is God's doing. since it just sorta fell into place peacefully like those things usually happen. like, when theres hardly any concious thought about it.

weird. but cool.

so, i xanga blogged for a few years. talk about the good old days. when i used to blog about my boring life of watching televison, eating swiss cake rolls and talk about how the girls at school didnt like me as their "buddy" but i was more like "the nice girl i talk to at school sometimes". middle school wasnt something i completely hated or anything, it just wasn't a happy time to look back on. definitely helped me grow, though.

i'm pretty sure i also blogged about my huge rupert grint crush and how i would have gone overseas at that very moment to see him. ha! its funny to look back and make fun of how much you think you knew back then...even though i'll be doing that in 5 years making fun of my 18-yr-old self now. i'm still going to continue on life like i know everything anyway.

just kidding.

i'm going to try really hard to make the focus of this blog not on my materialistic self and how i spend my time...everyone does that. i want to use it to modivate me to really put my thoughts somewhere where i will remember them and where they will last for a lot longer than a stupid tweet or status update on facebook. because, i've been catching myself doing that lately...i'll think of something profound (well, to me) and forget about it. its so sad. its like a seed that begins to root, it has potential to be something great, but a distraction floods it and washes it away.

so. maybe. this whole blog thing will modivate my brain to retain the information better.

also, along with the thoughts, the thoughts ususally 75% of the time are related to God, Jesus and/or the Holy Spirit in some way (and/or...slash they are all the same thing...slash they're not...). thus, the purpose of the blog name. "unfaithful" came from the song thats been stuck in my head a lot the past couple days, "some will seek forgiveness, others escape" by underoath ft. aaron marsh (from copeland). this song is so encouraging for me most times, because, like all of us, i feel like i fall short many many times. i have a hard time grasping the concept and idea of God and Jesus and what He did for us...and how do i react? of course i know the answer to the question, which i think is "just recieve the grace", correct me if i'm wrong? but i feel like i constantly need to try and repay in some way, with my devotional/prayer time and such. i guess i can touch more on that some other time.

basically, i realize that i'm unfaithful a lot. but, i'm also granted grace through the Cross, like all of us. and the progress is me trying to get a better realization of this.

for some reason, it seems like everyone else has this grace thing figured out and i dont. lately i have always felt like i'm missing out on something that everyone else has been let in on.

but, i also know it'll get better. the Lord has been with me through this whole prossess, and i love Him for that endlessly. its really felt like He's held my hand through every moment i've doubted.

hopefully i'll update this somewhat regularly. its proof i'm progressing. every moment i breathe i'm progressing, but this blog will serve as proof, if i'm thinking right anyway. toodles.