kinda want to know who reads this.

comment if you do, plz! you can stay anonymous, i dont care.


today feels like it was short. stupid work. got some crap done though. and got to see avatar in 3D, pretty sick.

i think its funny that i always gravitate towards people older than me. seems like all my friends anymore are a year or more older. a select few that arent, but they act mature (ish) ;]

i cant believe its christmas eve already! i think i get to open presents tomorrow.

listening to "be here now" by ray lamontagne on repeat.

i still dont feel like i have any close friends. it sounds retarded and high maitenence, but it just feels like i have all aquaintences. it feels like people dont want to be real with me, the people that should be? no idea. i'm just frustrated. i long for deep conversations with people. i'm sick of this surface-level stuff complain-about-everything-because-i'm-the-center-of-the-universe. fjdksa;lknl.

i feel like i need to start over, with someone i dont know. just randomly make friends with some girl, and be a great great great friend to her, and perhaps shed return the favor. or better yet a guy...haha. i'm not so sure if i'm ready to be exclusive though...being single is so fun.

i really want to volunteer starting next semester. i'm going to do that instead of uni singers. because i'd only be doing the singers for my own benifit because i sort of miss it and i think i have somewhat of a talent for it. someday i'll try out for chorale, i think, because thats the only one id really want to be in, its more exclusive, and better.

anyway. back to volunteering. i dont know what i'd do, i kind of want to make/serve food to people at the catholic worker house like i used to. i felt like that was one of the more fufilling things i've done. actual homeless people in waterloo go there to eat. i'll ask my old teacher if he still does it. we had a great time talking too.

that was a great thing i learned at st edwards. service. its so rewarding, and like, benificial to the community, but like you dont recieve any real gains besides feeling good about yourself? and for me, it just puts everything back into perspective. i am made to serve God and others. all i do is serve myself.

i think thats what keeps us running in circles.

church at cvcc tomorrow. hope it goes alright. pray that i'm not too judgemental/distracted.

being open.

hmm. lots of stuff flyin by me lately. i've learned that i can be a huge lazy butt when it comes to the end of semester. its like i try to avoid being stressed out so much that i simply dont care about what my grades end up being. ha. i've been staying up soooooo late this past week, when i should've been studying and jank. oh well.



i dont feel like i've got my priorities quite straight lately either. last weekend was great and all, but it made me a little burned out? i really just want to leave town and spend a while alone. i have to quit looking for God somewhere in the world, or shortcuts to Him, because the only way to Him is...through Him! haha. i have been pretty selfish with my time lately though. it feels like this happens a lot when i have tons of school stuff to do...i sort of let it pile up and do nothing about it, and most of the time doing other things instead and filling my mind with things that dont matter so much.



haaaaa.

*later...

mind officially blown. just rollin with it. what the crap is going on. but i'm not worried. haha! woo..
this was said to me tonight and i'm keeping it as a reminder:

"it's the damn watered down, comfortable, middle class american christianity bullshit that views christ as a pitiful, scrawny dead guy on a crucifix. jesus is no wuss! he is a conqueror! he is a fighter! and he grants us (ME) the authority to fight in his name. and i choose to fight mediocrity. i choose to fight the programmed life of career, achievement, performance, evaluation, and stock market. i am not my khakis. i am not what i own. i am not what i think about myself or what the world thinks about me. i am righteous because jesus told me so. i am love because GOD himself wraps his arms around and around and around me and tells me he loves me and everything will be okay."

-not trying to make you a big deal, but that is such a good reminder. this is life...i'm God's girl. everything is already done, i'm just supposed to live all of me for Him. no worries.

i'm too tired to go much in depth. tomorrow is a new day. thank the Lord above!!!

my mind is reeling, yet i'm at peace.

it might be the mood lighting in here. huge fan of it, by the way. christmas lights, lamp and vanity light is on. glorious.

so i had a crazy weekend. something different from the work or homework or friends that ususally take up my weekends. (not in a bad way). but yeah. being in a forced leadership role can do a lot to a person. it makes you learn stuff, no matter what. i've always felt like i have had a good-ish perception of God (more recently than ever), and this weekend reassured this for me.

...i just got hit with a wave of tired. uck. blogging another time.