Oh, Jordin. You are lovely.

Looking at past posts. All I read is "angst angst angst."

Thank you JESUS for santifying me. You are my one and only!!

Been doing more personal journaling lately. I'm trying to wean myself off of the internet...its semi working.

Break has been simply amazing so far. I'm kind of sad that it feels shorter than what it actually is. Because I have tomorrow and part of the next day free, then I'm off to my dads, then I'm off to Kansas City for onething, then I only have a week left!

God has been working on me lately with all-out-ness. You know, giving it all away, surrendering it all. The more I try to wrap my head around it, the more I realize there is to surrender up to Him. It's nuts, and beautiful. It's so beautiful because of His patience, and He isn't all like, well you get a C for the day for not giving it all to me. He's like, you are so precious for taking steps toward me, and I am ravished beyond words by you.

THATS why I worship my God in heaven!!! <3

It's rare that I blog on here. Check out jcow.tumblr.com. I'm on there on almost a daily basis.

i would enjoy companionship.
i hope the people i tell that i'm not dating anyone for a while dont think i'm a stuck up snot. i really would like someone to keep me warm at night and someone who gets me and loves to do the things i love to do and loves God. someone i could share life and love with.
of course i want that.
but its not the point...who doesnt want that? errrbody does! its a given.
so why not live...beyond that?
instead of going with the flow and "ope whoops i got into a relationship and now i dont want to be anymore"...why not trust that God's got it taken care of? for all i know i'm going to be single the rest of my life...unless its plainly obvious that some really awesome dude is headed the general direction i'm going. its gotta be God oriented for me. i'm leaving it up to my Daddy to take care of me...up until that point and through it! because He's good and loves me, and I need to trust him more because of it.

judgement: my deamon. it can die anytime now.

trip

i'll tell more about it later (maybe), but i'm pretty sure this is the first time ever that i wasnt looking forward to coming home from something. like yeah its nice to be home, but only because its where the people i love are, and nothin else.

God definitely took me places mentally that i've never been to or wanted to go to. i have this sick bitterness rotting inside of me that i want to shovel out. not quite sure how or why or what the deal is, but its here and there's a reason for it, but i obviously want to be a better example of Christ and that requires getting rid of it sometime. it just latches on to any possible thing that would remind me of it, and i lose touch for a few minutes and just think about stuff.

i just need to stop dwelling. focus on reality. focus on the unseen.

anyway. i want to move out already. haha.

what a day!

It's only a small issue now. I don't feel so much a part of it or that its a life or death situation, because I'm just fine. I've been spending a lot of time by myself and just soaking God in through situations and quietness and even the chaos. He is very good.

I just needed to get a lot of that off my chest. right now what it feels like is just a lingering unknown. things are weird and thats OK. whatever. its normal. I just want to have everything on the table, even if it hurts. I need to know truth in order to properly deal with things, I think we all do. I suppose I can learn to move on without it, but I care too much. I wanna know whats up.

Tonight was splendid.
The whole day was pretty bomb, actually.

Woke up at Jess's (it was a great way to start the morning :]), went to Waffle Stop solo and talked to an oldish guy for a while. More like he talked to me about his daughters the whole time. I liked hearing about it, honestly, I just had a hard time relating to him! Class, found out I have at least one A this semester! Finished packing up stuff...rocked my biology test...moved out...Pita Pit with Kristen with some lovely conversation and laughs. Lampost for even more laughs. Bonfire. Hang out with Kristen, Alyssa and Jess, dance the night away. It was so refreshing to just look like an idiot out in public.

I'm getting more and more excited for Des Moines in June. It's gunna be tough being away from everyone, but I keep realizing that I really need the time to think through a bunch of things. A big one being relationship stuff, what I want and what I need to save myself from. I'm not going to put up with any kind of relationship until I seriously think about this stuff...because I've set it aside as not important for so long. When really, it ruins me. I just need a better grip all around on my individualism, so I may have that grounding and be able to thrive and love God more WITHOUT BOUNDRIES and love people with BETTER boundries...haha.

Anyway its about 4 am and I should probably sleep. It's been nice catching up, Blogger. Sorry that I've been over-personal lately. Keepin' it real, always.

God's still holding me when He tests me. I'm still praising him in this.

all for God's glory..!

mutated.

frick.
i told myself i wouldnt late night veg on here anymore. but i was just looking back to my old tumblrs.

in the fall/winter, i was so happy about the person i'd become for God and myself. I was independent and shining. i still had issues with the past, it was a good chunk of what i thought about most times, and i had an "artistic" spunk apparently.

i look at myself in the past few months and i've become someone i barely like. literally i've looked in the mirror and not seen someone i can take seriously, i see a little girl who just doesnt measure up. its like i can't have fun anymore, i just go from person to person to not feel alone, to keep up what i had already attained. like i ever held anything in the first place. but i still had something that i no longer have.

i'm not positive how to get it back.
i have a feeling it will require surrender.
i dont feel ready for it. what will it take?

still wondering what happened. i guess it doesnt matter all that much. praise God for growing me up, even though it sucks right now. i have anxiety and control/trust issues up the crapper. what will it take for me to let go...

things are getting better. thanks to a couple newish and a bit older/wiser friends, i've finally let go of him. its not his attention that i constantly seek anymore. i'm just starting to get used to not being able to rely on someone so much. if that made sense. how the heck did i allow myself to do that?

-_- like i said. i'm headed up. there are a few holes spiritually that i need to have mended. i still appreciate God's grace and Jesus and all, i just fail to see the application to me most times.

it feels good to be honest, but i'm still so confused on where everything flipped...

haha. i love how i pray for more guidance and direction. and i get it, and i STILL dont want to pursue!!

pep talk!

HEY JORDIN. God knows WAAAAY better than you do! He's got so your best interest in mind, he loves the crapola out of you, and you still want to control your life? yes, this or that is important, but Jordin, you've gotta listen. you've got to obey, or what does your faith mean? nothing is more important. nothing is more worthwhile.

the end. i need to sleep on this.

having a wonderful conversation with my friend Lucas.

I wanted to blog about thoughts i had this morning. but to sum up i'm realizing my life the past year has been baby steps relating to modivation for doing things...from pleasing people to pleasing God.

i shall rant soon enough... :]

why am i not sleeping.

can someone tell me why i've been staying up until 2 trying to do homework and just flat out not doing it in the end?!
does this mean something?! do i have any self control at all???
-_- i suppose this is a big weakness of mine. even without a facebook i find time to just waste time. its annoying.
school can be over soon. i dont feel like my classes are meaningful. i realized today that i have no reason to be taking my critical writing about literature class. even if i minor in creative writing, i already had the prerequiste (sp) satisfied with my AP lit class in high school. fffffuuuu- for real. whats weird is that is the class i get most meaning out of. it makes me so confident in my faith in Jesus, tests me every day. literature is sweet. i will always appreciate the written and visual and musical and performing arts, i love them. i just cant make them a high priority. like they have always been my forte in school but, in the real world, you gotta do business or go help/be the poor.

i love writing. its my most comfortable means of communication, even more than talking i think. i write a huge chunk of my prayers. i kind of want to be "that person" that writes the spiritual awakening books, i've got a lot of ideas but dont feel a certian pull towards any of them. i'm going to chase after some to see if God wants me there, and if he doesnt i'll write about it, pass it along to someone else who could chase after it.

i need to read more often. better readers make better writers.
i would also like to play my uke more and take piano lessons this summer. along with those care core classes. heck yeah i'm excited for those. i hope its the beginning of something huge for me. if not i guess it'll be somewhere else but...man...to learn a huge batch of tools to help be that emotional support for others?! yes please.

i want to love more. i've realized how much i've been experiencing love the past few months, God working on me personally and with jarek and my dad and such, other stuff here and there. i dont feel ready now but i seriously want to give so much more love than i recieve. i feel selfish with it all.

i'm just not sure who wants it..

heh. i'm a big girl, i can do this. i dont like the way i feel...needing someone when i know i shouldnt be feeling this way, because its not too healthy. and i'd know the worst of it...
sigh. has Jesus been here too? the Bible says he was tempted in every way...God what do i do about this? all i need is you but i feel like i need him here. i was content earlier...what happened?

"you wont relent until you have it all. my heart is yours. come be the fire inside of me. come be the flame upon my heart. come be the fire inside of me until the day that you and i are one."

my hope is in that. Christ will complete me one day, and i wont have to feel needy. glory. i assume this neediness thing is just a normal human thing and nothing that i'm doing wrong. of course i always want more. i'm a human. but i dont want to live as a consumer. but that requires getting out of my comfort zone. which is hard i've been realizing.

can't wait for some FELLOWSHIP this weekend. holy craaaap. i dont know how much longer i can live in this needy, lonely and overthinking body.

girls.

because of my situations leading up to now, i find myself in social turmoil.

i have some sort of issue with trusting girls, i'm pretty sure. because i cant make myself make new girl friends, i think i push it off as being too hard.

i think it makes things even more difficult for me with a certian guy situation. because i know i'm feeling different about this guy than i have with others...but like. i dont know. i just feel like i need some girlfriends!! i'm trying to be a better one myself...dont know how well its working but whatever, its no excuse to quit trying.

i definitely need sleep.

sitting

though the past few days have been crazy, i've really learned a lot about just not thinking so much about stuff that it stresses me out. i've learned to just BE for once, and its grand.

thats all.

:]

radical

I learned some stuff today that i want to grasp on to and never ever ever forget again.

at Urbana i was scared to come home to float along the river of the typical, comfortable, and okay-with-the-world-the-way-it-is. because at Urbana i learned about bringing the Kingdom of Heaven to earth. It's possible. and i consistantly forget that. I did forget.

thankfully, God is God and knows my heart and what's up here in my area. prairie lakes today was freaking exactly talking about what was stirring my heart at Urbana. pastor John talked about how if we arent disturbed with the way things are (inside and outside of the church walls) then things will never change. how we will just continue to coast along and be okay with where everything is right now.

i am NOTAFAN of this comfortable Christianity. i want to rile up everyone and wake them up too!! this i KNOW God has put on my heart, because i'm so passionate about the thought of a revelation among our people today, to GO and SERVE and TELL everyone what Jesus can do to them!!

i think we just gotta remind ourselves everyday of where we came from, and that we are new creations made to put on Jesus flesh and blood and just go. go. go. go. don't have to go across the world, just across the hall.

(a lot of this is preaching to myself. ps. i need to tell myself this.)

i'm gunna try to take steps towards being a radical for Jesus. and learn all i can about Him.
keep me accountable for this.

i need to write. lots more. songs/musings/philosophies.

in process.

ACK. :]

OHHHH BLOGGER. i do not know where to start!

break has been pretty DARN swell. don't really know what happened pre-Urbana but it doesnt even matter. (if you don't know what Urbana is: urbana09.org)

Urbana helped me realize that we serve a REAL, PRESENT (that means He's among us, NOW, alive!), and INCREDIBLY loving GOD!! and He's not just with us, but fights to win EVERY heart in EVERY man all across the Earth.

wow, just wow. this God is becoming so much more real to me. and i'm realizing that i was right in my previous thoughts a few months ago...that the only thing that matters is a ever growing and seeking after, personal relationship with the One who molded and created me and holds me in His hand. Praise God.

I'm choosing now to not worry so much about what my "calling" or "vocation" is supposed to be. I talked to Paul about this earlier today, and he gave me some great advice about it. He said if God hasn't made it crystal clear yet (since I am waiting to hear/see/know), that perhaps I'm just not ready to hear what it is yet, and I'm exactly where I need to be. How comforting that is!!!

I'll continue to seek Jesus, and all will be well. right?

school starts next week. my parents picked up my books for me (praise God. i am super blessed), they are sitting on my bed and i'm kind of geeking out at the book A Writer's Reference by Diana Hacker. we did excercises in an older edition in high school and i loved the book...why i obsess over learning about proper sentance structure and editing? hmm... :] hopefully i find my english classes actually fun/meaningful.

mm. i feel really good about where i'm at. really excited to get back to the dorms.
love ya'll. <3

"therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being RENEWED, day by day. for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal GLORY that far outweighs them ALL. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is ETERNAL."
2corinthtians 4:16-18