UCK.

"take me anywhere, wherever you going
take me anywhere, cuz nobody wants me here."

:[

i'm tired, but i cant sleep.
i'm lonely, and i'm too annoying for anyone.
i'm emo right now...and i think i'm gunna look at this later and be like wow whats up with that.

sigh.

be done before you make it worse than it is...i guess everyone has times like these.

amazing things, people are.

thought as of yesterday...we are incredibly social beings, right? so why is it so pertinant that we also have our alone time too? because i know if i don't get mine for a couple days, i start to get testy. i think i need more alone time than most people. and i don't even know how to use it right yet...

thats why i think i'm going to try doing my...i don't know what to call it. daliy devotionals are not the right words, because i don't do it daily, and i'm sure as heck not devoted to it as of now. hence the unfaithful theme. because we're all human, right...?

1 corinthians 3: 1-9

paul wrote this letter because the church of corinth was starting to conform to the world surrounding it. he addressed their faults and gave advice to help with there commitment to Jesus.

hm. sounds familiar.

"1Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly—mere infants in Christ. 2I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. 3You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere men? 4For when one says, "I follow Paul," and another, "I follow Apollos," are you not mere men?
5What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task. 6I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. 7So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. 8The man who plants and the man who waters have one purpose, and each will be rewarded according to his own labor. 9For we are God's fellow workers; you are God's field, God's building."

what first comes to mind when i read the first paragraph, i think of quarreling between churches today. i mean i don't really know how much it happens, but i know when i was little in catholic school i would try to justify that our way of doing church was better and what other churches did was somewhat weird and possibly wrong. i think people today who have not grown individually with Christ still salute to their church/denomination instead. thats why people call christians "sheltered" because they dont get out into the world and speak like scriptures tell them to. idk. they are too busy with other unimportant thoughts/things most likely. but who am i to speak for when i probably do the same thing?

i know this for a fact that i am still an infant in Christ. for one, i know i sometimes get caught up in the "trend" that we make of christianity at times. okay sweet, you like this christian band and you go to church often and you get a God-related tattoo (i'm NOT trying to condemn anyone...this is just how i see things, and i am JUST as guilty). why do you continue to make sex jokes, make fun of other people, have a closed mind about everything because your opinion matters most for some reason, act selfishly...etc etc.

like i said, i'm guilty of all of that also.

why did someone have to make a "trend" out of it? being a christian is supposed to be a life-threatening decision; following Jesus should mean potentially following him up a hill to a cross (as francis chan beautifully worded in a book called crazy love, you should check it out). i dont know, maybe i'm just thinking too much of it. its an awesome thing because i think it attracts a less-likely crowd to God, but i think we need to watch it when we start getting really comfortable in our own little group...

remember, i'm the hypocrite here. and theres many other reasons why i'm an infant. but i won't dwell on them because that won't help me grow up.

second paragraph has a lot i could talk about. i guess the basic message is to not idolize people because of what they bring to the table. footnotes from my study Bible says that we are all team workers, there are no superstars at this task of life. God picks special gifts for each of us, not one is better than the other. it all goes to God. "so neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow."

thats what everything pretty much boils down to in what is supposed to be christianity. glorify God.

cool.

"[we] are God's field, God's building."

every silence

i know you're waiting on an answer
i saw her beauty overwhelming
she keeps you draped around your shoulders
so dont
let
go.

that song has been stuck in my head all day. absolutely love it. can't wait to see them again. along with anchor&braille and barcelona. love love love love.

don't love how stephen hasn't even read my messages yet. i can't believe i let my hopes get up so high...haha. i mean, its really not a big deal, it just makes me sad. every time i've tried meeting [anberlin], i've had to pull teeth to even talk for 30 seconds at warped tour. that was super stupid. but it made me soooo happy that stephen actually talked to me about not fake stuff! enough about that... and one time, i stood outside the trailer for an hour before they peeked out the window and said no. the other time i didnt even try.

is it weird to think that, without really knowing someone, you think you could become potentially good friends? call it fan-craziness, i dont care, i honestly think we could have a lot in common, after reading his book. and all i want is to chat over coffee, about anything. i look up to him so much...

hm. i guess i shouldnt have even tried. usually the band pages respond in a few days though...



i dont have much to say from the past couple days, except how amazing rest feels.
seriously.
i've never taken that much time to rest before i think. my dad was like, forcing me to at one point. its quite a lovely thing, rest is.

another thing: i can't wait to get out of this house. its going to make everything twenty times better. for me and for everyone else. too much tension with me here. i guess thats partially my fault though. whatevs.

about arks.

tonight i went to a special night they have at the church my dad goes to called Immersion, mostly for high school/college kids...but there were all sorts of different ages there. i've always wanted to go, but am always here a day late thanks to school and such. and i also really wanted to go because i missed church on wednesday to drive here, and i'm going to miss it sunday, or end up going to a catholic service for my grandma. who knows what'll happen there.

the service was really neat. at first i felt the atmosphere was kind of lacking some fun...or like everyone was scared to have fun. but the music was really great. i actually sat next to a guy who taught the worship leaders at that church (its a church of like, probably at least 10,000 people so i'm sure they have many worship leaders!). i asked him for tips since i'm helping lead our youth group next year.

when the sermon started, a guy started playing guitar with the pastor's speaking and continued on the rest of the time. maybe there are studies that show people pay attention more with music in the background. i thought it was cool because the musical mood fit what the pastor was speaking about, like when he was talking about our broken selves, the music was somber and sad, but when he talked about the return of Jesus it became bold, sort of dark but in a powerful way.

the pastor spoke about noah's ark in a non-sundayschool view. his main point was about how God uses people in his plans. he said something really interesting that i'd never thought of: how noah building the ark was a threat to the people around him. if God called a man to build a spaceship today because he wanted to rid the world of evil (which He promised He'd never do again, so it won't happen), everyone around him who believed would probably hate his guts because they couldn't board the ship with the man.

its interesting that the return of the Son of man is going to be like in noah's time. at least thats what it says in matthew 24:37. if someone could answer this for me it'd be awesome: is God's wiping out mankind the same as the end times? i dont think it is, because it would be breaking His own promise.

i haven't read up a whole lot on end times, but i really really hope i get to see it happen. well, not so much the plagues and stuff, but what i really want to see is the Son coming up from the eastern sky. hooooooly holy holy thats going to be the best moment ever. not exaggerating with that phrase like i often do (did you know exaggerating is a sin? its in james somewhere...). won't it be our first glipse of Jesus? the first hint of home is near.

so, something else i just thought of. will we go straight to heaven first...or will we go into "soul's sleep" and ressurect from it when Jesus comes to get us?

(man. if your not a christian, the above statement will have you thinking i'm crazy. haha. i'm okay with that though.)

its something i've always had on my mind. that guy who wrote the book about dying and going to heaven then coming back to life said he went right to the gates, seeing his gone-before family and friends first. then i didnt get any further because a) i really dont want it to be spoiled for me, even though i'll be satisfied way beyond anything i can imagine, and b) how could we possibly know if the guy was lying or delusional or not. he's just a man. but like i said, you never know what God's up to.

back to arks, the pastor ended with "what's your ark?" aka what has God called you to do. its amazing that God picks something out for each one of us, and its perfect. one may want to do great things, but settles for where they are at now because its God-glorifying. or someone unlikely accomplishes great feits for the Lord.

we are pretty much clueless without Him, basically. but everything works out. i theorized today out loud to my dad about how any person/group who is in charge of any job/organization has to sometimes go with something and have not a clue of the outcome, and sometimes not have a good reason why. he told me that those are the people who get better at what they do, because they aren't just fixing wrongs back to rights all the time. people sometimes have to tinker around until a possible solution is finished, and then let it fly free.

that could relate to a lot of things. i should probably stop before i write a book.
i want to end with some lyrics in my head right now.

sometimes i'm on a mountain, holdin on to Your hand
sometimes i'm in the middle, holdin the best i can
sometimes i'm in the valley, and i let go long ago
when my hand is weak and tired
You're hand still has a hold

its so incredibly true that He holds on when we dont. He covers our unfaithfulness. amen amen amen!!

this is all kind of out of my hands, really.

honestly, i really dont know how this all happened.

i was just on my merry way...looking at some of stephen christian's blogs on modesty writers guild...

i seriously dont remember how i ended up getting a blogger account. no joke.

...thinking...

oh well, i guess. i'm pretty positive this is God's doing. since it just sorta fell into place peacefully like those things usually happen. like, when theres hardly any concious thought about it.

weird. but cool.

so, i xanga blogged for a few years. talk about the good old days. when i used to blog about my boring life of watching televison, eating swiss cake rolls and talk about how the girls at school didnt like me as their "buddy" but i was more like "the nice girl i talk to at school sometimes". middle school wasnt something i completely hated or anything, it just wasn't a happy time to look back on. definitely helped me grow, though.

i'm pretty sure i also blogged about my huge rupert grint crush and how i would have gone overseas at that very moment to see him. ha! its funny to look back and make fun of how much you think you knew back then...even though i'll be doing that in 5 years making fun of my 18-yr-old self now. i'm still going to continue on life like i know everything anyway.

just kidding.

i'm going to try really hard to make the focus of this blog not on my materialistic self and how i spend my time...everyone does that. i want to use it to modivate me to really put my thoughts somewhere where i will remember them and where they will last for a lot longer than a stupid tweet or status update on facebook. because, i've been catching myself doing that lately...i'll think of something profound (well, to me) and forget about it. its so sad. its like a seed that begins to root, it has potential to be something great, but a distraction floods it and washes it away.

so. maybe. this whole blog thing will modivate my brain to retain the information better.

also, along with the thoughts, the thoughts ususally 75% of the time are related to God, Jesus and/or the Holy Spirit in some way (and/or...slash they are all the same thing...slash they're not...). thus, the purpose of the blog name. "unfaithful" came from the song thats been stuck in my head a lot the past couple days, "some will seek forgiveness, others escape" by underoath ft. aaron marsh (from copeland). this song is so encouraging for me most times, because, like all of us, i feel like i fall short many many times. i have a hard time grasping the concept and idea of God and Jesus and what He did for us...and how do i react? of course i know the answer to the question, which i think is "just recieve the grace", correct me if i'm wrong? but i feel like i constantly need to try and repay in some way, with my devotional/prayer time and such. i guess i can touch more on that some other time.

basically, i realize that i'm unfaithful a lot. but, i'm also granted grace through the Cross, like all of us. and the progress is me trying to get a better realization of this.

for some reason, it seems like everyone else has this grace thing figured out and i dont. lately i have always felt like i'm missing out on something that everyone else has been let in on.

but, i also know it'll get better. the Lord has been with me through this whole prossess, and i love Him for that endlessly. its really felt like He's held my hand through every moment i've doubted.

hopefully i'll update this somewhat regularly. its proof i'm progressing. every moment i breathe i'm progressing, but this blog will serve as proof, if i'm thinking right anyway. toodles.