trip

i'll tell more about it later (maybe), but i'm pretty sure this is the first time ever that i wasnt looking forward to coming home from something. like yeah its nice to be home, but only because its where the people i love are, and nothin else.

God definitely took me places mentally that i've never been to or wanted to go to. i have this sick bitterness rotting inside of me that i want to shovel out. not quite sure how or why or what the deal is, but its here and there's a reason for it, but i obviously want to be a better example of Christ and that requires getting rid of it sometime. it just latches on to any possible thing that would remind me of it, and i lose touch for a few minutes and just think about stuff.

i just need to stop dwelling. focus on reality. focus on the unseen.

anyway. i want to move out already. haha.

what a day!

It's only a small issue now. I don't feel so much a part of it or that its a life or death situation, because I'm just fine. I've been spending a lot of time by myself and just soaking God in through situations and quietness and even the chaos. He is very good.

I just needed to get a lot of that off my chest. right now what it feels like is just a lingering unknown. things are weird and thats OK. whatever. its normal. I just want to have everything on the table, even if it hurts. I need to know truth in order to properly deal with things, I think we all do. I suppose I can learn to move on without it, but I care too much. I wanna know whats up.

Tonight was splendid.
The whole day was pretty bomb, actually.

Woke up at Jess's (it was a great way to start the morning :]), went to Waffle Stop solo and talked to an oldish guy for a while. More like he talked to me about his daughters the whole time. I liked hearing about it, honestly, I just had a hard time relating to him! Class, found out I have at least one A this semester! Finished packing up stuff...rocked my biology test...moved out...Pita Pit with Kristen with some lovely conversation and laughs. Lampost for even more laughs. Bonfire. Hang out with Kristen, Alyssa and Jess, dance the night away. It was so refreshing to just look like an idiot out in public.

I'm getting more and more excited for Des Moines in June. It's gunna be tough being away from everyone, but I keep realizing that I really need the time to think through a bunch of things. A big one being relationship stuff, what I want and what I need to save myself from. I'm not going to put up with any kind of relationship until I seriously think about this stuff...because I've set it aside as not important for so long. When really, it ruins me. I just need a better grip all around on my individualism, so I may have that grounding and be able to thrive and love God more WITHOUT BOUNDRIES and love people with BETTER boundries...haha.

Anyway its about 4 am and I should probably sleep. It's been nice catching up, Blogger. Sorry that I've been over-personal lately. Keepin' it real, always.