listening to "be here now" by ray lamontagne on repeat.

i still dont feel like i have any close friends. it sounds retarded and high maitenence, but it just feels like i have all aquaintences. it feels like people dont want to be real with me, the people that should be? no idea. i'm just frustrated. i long for deep conversations with people. i'm sick of this surface-level stuff complain-about-everything-because-i'm-the-center-of-the-universe. fjdksa;lknl.

i feel like i need to start over, with someone i dont know. just randomly make friends with some girl, and be a great great great friend to her, and perhaps shed return the favor. or better yet a guy...haha. i'm not so sure if i'm ready to be exclusive though...being single is so fun.

i really want to volunteer starting next semester. i'm going to do that instead of uni singers. because i'd only be doing the singers for my own benifit because i sort of miss it and i think i have somewhat of a talent for it. someday i'll try out for chorale, i think, because thats the only one id really want to be in, its more exclusive, and better.

anyway. back to volunteering. i dont know what i'd do, i kind of want to make/serve food to people at the catholic worker house like i used to. i felt like that was one of the more fufilling things i've done. actual homeless people in waterloo go there to eat. i'll ask my old teacher if he still does it. we had a great time talking too.

that was a great thing i learned at st edwards. service. its so rewarding, and like, benificial to the community, but like you dont recieve any real gains besides feeling good about yourself? and for me, it just puts everything back into perspective. i am made to serve God and others. all i do is serve myself.

i think thats what keeps us running in circles.

church at cvcc tomorrow. hope it goes alright. pray that i'm not too judgemental/distracted.