being open.

hmm. lots of stuff flyin by me lately. i've learned that i can be a huge lazy butt when it comes to the end of semester. its like i try to avoid being stressed out so much that i simply dont care about what my grades end up being. ha. i've been staying up soooooo late this past week, when i should've been studying and jank. oh well.



i dont feel like i've got my priorities quite straight lately either. last weekend was great and all, but it made me a little burned out? i really just want to leave town and spend a while alone. i have to quit looking for God somewhere in the world, or shortcuts to Him, because the only way to Him is...through Him! haha. i have been pretty selfish with my time lately though. it feels like this happens a lot when i have tons of school stuff to do...i sort of let it pile up and do nothing about it, and most of the time doing other things instead and filling my mind with things that dont matter so much.



haaaaa.

*later...

mind officially blown. just rollin with it. what the crap is going on. but i'm not worried. haha! woo..
this was said to me tonight and i'm keeping it as a reminder:

"it's the damn watered down, comfortable, middle class american christianity bullshit that views christ as a pitiful, scrawny dead guy on a crucifix. jesus is no wuss! he is a conqueror! he is a fighter! and he grants us (ME) the authority to fight in his name. and i choose to fight mediocrity. i choose to fight the programmed life of career, achievement, performance, evaluation, and stock market. i am not my khakis. i am not what i own. i am not what i think about myself or what the world thinks about me. i am righteous because jesus told me so. i am love because GOD himself wraps his arms around and around and around me and tells me he loves me and everything will be okay."

-not trying to make you a big deal, but that is such a good reminder. this is life...i'm God's girl. everything is already done, i'm just supposed to live all of me for Him. no worries.

i'm too tired to go much in depth. tomorrow is a new day. thank the Lord above!!!

my mind is reeling, yet i'm at peace.

it might be the mood lighting in here. huge fan of it, by the way. christmas lights, lamp and vanity light is on. glorious.

so i had a crazy weekend. something different from the work or homework or friends that ususally take up my weekends. (not in a bad way). but yeah. being in a forced leadership role can do a lot to a person. it makes you learn stuff, no matter what. i've always felt like i have had a good-ish perception of God (more recently than ever), and this weekend reassured this for me.

...i just got hit with a wave of tired. uck. blogging another time.

left out? again?

this is the reason i dont gussy up like i used to. and i'm getting the results! though it still holds me back. sorry i have confidence? sorry your bad mood keeps me from seeing you?

i'm sorry. really tee'd about this. honestly, after high school and right now like most times i really do not try to look good for anyone. i've turned into a jeans and tshirt girl. i'm pretty much a bro because i hang out with guys all the time. and really, it gets old. i love my guy friends but i dont have very many girl friends. and the ones i have get pissy about me hanging with guys.

idk. i'm just sick of all of this. i want to love on girls too but its like i'm not allowed. our retarded social rules stop us. theres a border that i can't cross with a guy friend that i can with a girlfriend, i long for that.

come to think of it i've never really had a great female sidekick. i've never been one either. i'd like to. i feel like i try pretty hard. but whatever.

another thing thats been bothering me. i'm not close to much of my family. its like after 16 or so, some just kinda give up on caring/pretend caring. idk.

no one REALLY cares. we all suck at being thankful for what we have. haha, myself included, obviously.

... -_-. happy thanksgiving.

"Do as you please, shame will follow.



The sun and the moon: you'll always take them for granted. What's delicate is lost. As the selfish forgot what is sacred, the humble forget themselves.



When worded correctly, truth is never a cliche; this is because so many are attached to their deaf ears."



danger:wildman by the devil wears prada.





i'm so glad i've never gotten into all the drinking crap. its such a cliche to me. but i'm trying not to judge those who do because i know myself and others who do unhealthy things to relieve our whatever, make ourselves look cool for whatever reason, draw attention to ourselves in some way.



man my head hurts. break has been sooo stinkin lazy for me. i need to get on the ball tomorrow. i've got a few things to do for school...good thing i've still got the rest of the week :]



been listening to a lot of mutemath lately. its good driving music. i still need to burn cinematic orchestra and owen onto cdssss so i can listen to them in da ca. (the car.)



i keep thinking about those lyrics. "all mistakes can be marked by borders"...so true. people dont cross a line and not realize it, unless theres like a mental sickness. why is there that line? "all of love can be traced to a maker". how on earth could we all be an accident.

these arent arguements...just me pondering. if we were all an accident...what is there to live for...each other? maybe? why do we love?

hmm. :]

i should sleep. hope you're having a swell thanksgiving.

giving

this next year is looking hopeful.

i've been praying lately that i can be that person who people look at and know what i'm all about. that my faith will overflow from the inside out. i want to love more than anything. i want to give more than anything. hopefully next semester will allow me a little more time to do some volunteer work, because i feel like when i give my time and self away for the cause of Christ or others benifit, i really know who i am, i have that sense of meaning in life.

and it all makes sense...because its what we're made for! its so easy to forget that.

"you hold the universe. you hold everyone on earth. you hold the universe. you hold."

quiet everything and just "be" in His presence. its wonderful. peaceful.

i would blog more but i have to study!! :/

(letter to self.) reality

its not what you keep thinking it is.
please dont forget that you might die in the next few minutes. days. weeks.
dont let it freak you out, its just truth.
remember what is on the other side of this life. this only life. you only die once.
remember what you're truly living for.
are you living for self-gain?
give yourself away in order to gain what is the best.
it won't be found on this earth. in this time.
so quit searching around like your going to find life's answers here.
go to the One who is perfect. without flaw.
go to Him broken. He never tires of you or your problems. He loves you.
and is with you always.

praise to you Jesus, for never leaving me. though i run circles, You're still here to calm me. all i need.