Oh, Jordin. You are lovely.

Looking at past posts. All I read is "angst angst angst."

Thank you JESUS for santifying me. You are my one and only!!

Been doing more personal journaling lately. I'm trying to wean myself off of the internet...its semi working.

Break has been simply amazing so far. I'm kind of sad that it feels shorter than what it actually is. Because I have tomorrow and part of the next day free, then I'm off to my dads, then I'm off to Kansas City for onething, then I only have a week left!

God has been working on me lately with all-out-ness. You know, giving it all away, surrendering it all. The more I try to wrap my head around it, the more I realize there is to surrender up to Him. It's nuts, and beautiful. It's so beautiful because of His patience, and He isn't all like, well you get a C for the day for not giving it all to me. He's like, you are so precious for taking steps toward me, and I am ravished beyond words by you.

THATS why I worship my God in heaven!!! <3

It's rare that I blog on here. Check out jcow.tumblr.com. I'm on there on almost a daily basis.

i would enjoy companionship.
i hope the people i tell that i'm not dating anyone for a while dont think i'm a stuck up snot. i really would like someone to keep me warm at night and someone who gets me and loves to do the things i love to do and loves God. someone i could share life and love with.
of course i want that.
but its not the point...who doesnt want that? errrbody does! its a given.
so why not live...beyond that?
instead of going with the flow and "ope whoops i got into a relationship and now i dont want to be anymore"...why not trust that God's got it taken care of? for all i know i'm going to be single the rest of my life...unless its plainly obvious that some really awesome dude is headed the general direction i'm going. its gotta be God oriented for me. i'm leaving it up to my Daddy to take care of me...up until that point and through it! because He's good and loves me, and I need to trust him more because of it.

judgement: my deamon. it can die anytime now.

trip

i'll tell more about it later (maybe), but i'm pretty sure this is the first time ever that i wasnt looking forward to coming home from something. like yeah its nice to be home, but only because its where the people i love are, and nothin else.

God definitely took me places mentally that i've never been to or wanted to go to. i have this sick bitterness rotting inside of me that i want to shovel out. not quite sure how or why or what the deal is, but its here and there's a reason for it, but i obviously want to be a better example of Christ and that requires getting rid of it sometime. it just latches on to any possible thing that would remind me of it, and i lose touch for a few minutes and just think about stuff.

i just need to stop dwelling. focus on reality. focus on the unseen.

anyway. i want to move out already. haha.

what a day!

It's only a small issue now. I don't feel so much a part of it or that its a life or death situation, because I'm just fine. I've been spending a lot of time by myself and just soaking God in through situations and quietness and even the chaos. He is very good.

I just needed to get a lot of that off my chest. right now what it feels like is just a lingering unknown. things are weird and thats OK. whatever. its normal. I just want to have everything on the table, even if it hurts. I need to know truth in order to properly deal with things, I think we all do. I suppose I can learn to move on without it, but I care too much. I wanna know whats up.

Tonight was splendid.
The whole day was pretty bomb, actually.

Woke up at Jess's (it was a great way to start the morning :]), went to Waffle Stop solo and talked to an oldish guy for a while. More like he talked to me about his daughters the whole time. I liked hearing about it, honestly, I just had a hard time relating to him! Class, found out I have at least one A this semester! Finished packing up stuff...rocked my biology test...moved out...Pita Pit with Kristen with some lovely conversation and laughs. Lampost for even more laughs. Bonfire. Hang out with Kristen, Alyssa and Jess, dance the night away. It was so refreshing to just look like an idiot out in public.

I'm getting more and more excited for Des Moines in June. It's gunna be tough being away from everyone, but I keep realizing that I really need the time to think through a bunch of things. A big one being relationship stuff, what I want and what I need to save myself from. I'm not going to put up with any kind of relationship until I seriously think about this stuff...because I've set it aside as not important for so long. When really, it ruins me. I just need a better grip all around on my individualism, so I may have that grounding and be able to thrive and love God more WITHOUT BOUNDRIES and love people with BETTER boundries...haha.

Anyway its about 4 am and I should probably sleep. It's been nice catching up, Blogger. Sorry that I've been over-personal lately. Keepin' it real, always.

God's still holding me when He tests me. I'm still praising him in this.

all for God's glory..!

mutated.

frick.
i told myself i wouldnt late night veg on here anymore. but i was just looking back to my old tumblrs.

in the fall/winter, i was so happy about the person i'd become for God and myself. I was independent and shining. i still had issues with the past, it was a good chunk of what i thought about most times, and i had an "artistic" spunk apparently.

i look at myself in the past few months and i've become someone i barely like. literally i've looked in the mirror and not seen someone i can take seriously, i see a little girl who just doesnt measure up. its like i can't have fun anymore, i just go from person to person to not feel alone, to keep up what i had already attained. like i ever held anything in the first place. but i still had something that i no longer have.

i'm not positive how to get it back.
i have a feeling it will require surrender.
i dont feel ready for it. what will it take?

still wondering what happened. i guess it doesnt matter all that much. praise God for growing me up, even though it sucks right now. i have anxiety and control/trust issues up the crapper. what will it take for me to let go...

things are getting better. thanks to a couple newish and a bit older/wiser friends, i've finally let go of him. its not his attention that i constantly seek anymore. i'm just starting to get used to not being able to rely on someone so much. if that made sense. how the heck did i allow myself to do that?

-_- like i said. i'm headed up. there are a few holes spiritually that i need to have mended. i still appreciate God's grace and Jesus and all, i just fail to see the application to me most times.

it feels good to be honest, but i'm still so confused on where everything flipped...

haha. i love how i pray for more guidance and direction. and i get it, and i STILL dont want to pursue!!

pep talk!

HEY JORDIN. God knows WAAAAY better than you do! He's got so your best interest in mind, he loves the crapola out of you, and you still want to control your life? yes, this or that is important, but Jordin, you've gotta listen. you've got to obey, or what does your faith mean? nothing is more important. nothing is more worthwhile.

the end. i need to sleep on this.