mutated.

frick.
i told myself i wouldnt late night veg on here anymore. but i was just looking back to my old tumblrs.

in the fall/winter, i was so happy about the person i'd become for God and myself. I was independent and shining. i still had issues with the past, it was a good chunk of what i thought about most times, and i had an "artistic" spunk apparently.

i look at myself in the past few months and i've become someone i barely like. literally i've looked in the mirror and not seen someone i can take seriously, i see a little girl who just doesnt measure up. its like i can't have fun anymore, i just go from person to person to not feel alone, to keep up what i had already attained. like i ever held anything in the first place. but i still had something that i no longer have.

i'm not positive how to get it back.
i have a feeling it will require surrender.
i dont feel ready for it. what will it take?

still wondering what happened. i guess it doesnt matter all that much. praise God for growing me up, even though it sucks right now. i have anxiety and control/trust issues up the crapper. what will it take for me to let go...

things are getting better. thanks to a couple newish and a bit older/wiser friends, i've finally let go of him. its not his attention that i constantly seek anymore. i'm just starting to get used to not being able to rely on someone so much. if that made sense. how the heck did i allow myself to do that?

-_- like i said. i'm headed up. there are a few holes spiritually that i need to have mended. i still appreciate God's grace and Jesus and all, i just fail to see the application to me most times.

it feels good to be honest, but i'm still so confused on where everything flipped...