trip

i'll tell more about it later (maybe), but i'm pretty sure this is the first time ever that i wasnt looking forward to coming home from something. like yeah its nice to be home, but only because its where the people i love are, and nothin else.

God definitely took me places mentally that i've never been to or wanted to go to. i have this sick bitterness rotting inside of me that i want to shovel out. not quite sure how or why or what the deal is, but its here and there's a reason for it, but i obviously want to be a better example of Christ and that requires getting rid of it sometime. it just latches on to any possible thing that would remind me of it, and i lose touch for a few minutes and just think about stuff.

i just need to stop dwelling. focus on reality. focus on the unseen.

anyway. i want to move out already. haha.

what a day!

It's only a small issue now. I don't feel so much a part of it or that its a life or death situation, because I'm just fine. I've been spending a lot of time by myself and just soaking God in through situations and quietness and even the chaos. He is very good.

I just needed to get a lot of that off my chest. right now what it feels like is just a lingering unknown. things are weird and thats OK. whatever. its normal. I just want to have everything on the table, even if it hurts. I need to know truth in order to properly deal with things, I think we all do. I suppose I can learn to move on without it, but I care too much. I wanna know whats up.

Tonight was splendid.
The whole day was pretty bomb, actually.

Woke up at Jess's (it was a great way to start the morning :]), went to Waffle Stop solo and talked to an oldish guy for a while. More like he talked to me about his daughters the whole time. I liked hearing about it, honestly, I just had a hard time relating to him! Class, found out I have at least one A this semester! Finished packing up stuff...rocked my biology test...moved out...Pita Pit with Kristen with some lovely conversation and laughs. Lampost for even more laughs. Bonfire. Hang out with Kristen, Alyssa and Jess, dance the night away. It was so refreshing to just look like an idiot out in public.

I'm getting more and more excited for Des Moines in June. It's gunna be tough being away from everyone, but I keep realizing that I really need the time to think through a bunch of things. A big one being relationship stuff, what I want and what I need to save myself from. I'm not going to put up with any kind of relationship until I seriously think about this stuff...because I've set it aside as not important for so long. When really, it ruins me. I just need a better grip all around on my individualism, so I may have that grounding and be able to thrive and love God more WITHOUT BOUNDRIES and love people with BETTER boundries...haha.

Anyway its about 4 am and I should probably sleep. It's been nice catching up, Blogger. Sorry that I've been over-personal lately. Keepin' it real, always.

God's still holding me when He tests me. I'm still praising him in this.

all for God's glory..!

mutated.

frick.
i told myself i wouldnt late night veg on here anymore. but i was just looking back to my old tumblrs.

in the fall/winter, i was so happy about the person i'd become for God and myself. I was independent and shining. i still had issues with the past, it was a good chunk of what i thought about most times, and i had an "artistic" spunk apparently.

i look at myself in the past few months and i've become someone i barely like. literally i've looked in the mirror and not seen someone i can take seriously, i see a little girl who just doesnt measure up. its like i can't have fun anymore, i just go from person to person to not feel alone, to keep up what i had already attained. like i ever held anything in the first place. but i still had something that i no longer have.

i'm not positive how to get it back.
i have a feeling it will require surrender.
i dont feel ready for it. what will it take?

still wondering what happened. i guess it doesnt matter all that much. praise God for growing me up, even though it sucks right now. i have anxiety and control/trust issues up the crapper. what will it take for me to let go...

things are getting better. thanks to a couple newish and a bit older/wiser friends, i've finally let go of him. its not his attention that i constantly seek anymore. i'm just starting to get used to not being able to rely on someone so much. if that made sense. how the heck did i allow myself to do that?

-_- like i said. i'm headed up. there are a few holes spiritually that i need to have mended. i still appreciate God's grace and Jesus and all, i just fail to see the application to me most times.

it feels good to be honest, but i'm still so confused on where everything flipped...

haha. i love how i pray for more guidance and direction. and i get it, and i STILL dont want to pursue!!

pep talk!

HEY JORDIN. God knows WAAAAY better than you do! He's got so your best interest in mind, he loves the crapola out of you, and you still want to control your life? yes, this or that is important, but Jordin, you've gotta listen. you've got to obey, or what does your faith mean? nothing is more important. nothing is more worthwhile.

the end. i need to sleep on this.

having a wonderful conversation with my friend Lucas.

I wanted to blog about thoughts i had this morning. but to sum up i'm realizing my life the past year has been baby steps relating to modivation for doing things...from pleasing people to pleasing God.

i shall rant soon enough... :]

why am i not sleeping.

can someone tell me why i've been staying up until 2 trying to do homework and just flat out not doing it in the end?!
does this mean something?! do i have any self control at all???
-_- i suppose this is a big weakness of mine. even without a facebook i find time to just waste time. its annoying.
school can be over soon. i dont feel like my classes are meaningful. i realized today that i have no reason to be taking my critical writing about literature class. even if i minor in creative writing, i already had the prerequiste (sp) satisfied with my AP lit class in high school. fffffuuuu- for real. whats weird is that is the class i get most meaning out of. it makes me so confident in my faith in Jesus, tests me every day. literature is sweet. i will always appreciate the written and visual and musical and performing arts, i love them. i just cant make them a high priority. like they have always been my forte in school but, in the real world, you gotta do business or go help/be the poor.

i love writing. its my most comfortable means of communication, even more than talking i think. i write a huge chunk of my prayers. i kind of want to be "that person" that writes the spiritual awakening books, i've got a lot of ideas but dont feel a certian pull towards any of them. i'm going to chase after some to see if God wants me there, and if he doesnt i'll write about it, pass it along to someone else who could chase after it.

i need to read more often. better readers make better writers.
i would also like to play my uke more and take piano lessons this summer. along with those care core classes. heck yeah i'm excited for those. i hope its the beginning of something huge for me. if not i guess it'll be somewhere else but...man...to learn a huge batch of tools to help be that emotional support for others?! yes please.

i want to love more. i've realized how much i've been experiencing love the past few months, God working on me personally and with jarek and my dad and such, other stuff here and there. i dont feel ready now but i seriously want to give so much more love than i recieve. i feel selfish with it all.

i'm just not sure who wants it..