self examining

Its interesting how when I was not married, it seemed all I did was self-examine, reevaluate, change some things, try that on for size, and then "on and on to the point of nausea" as a favorite song lyric of mind would say (name that tune).

Now in this short span of time that I have nights free I find myself reverting to those same patterns.

Is it legit? Is it worth my time...?

In some ways I'd say yes. Last night I spent looking at my journal from a time I felt closest to Jesus. Felt being a key word there. I was feeling a lot of things at that time. Then the feelings seemed to stop all of a sudden and I took a turn for the worse.

At one point I was looking back at that time with jealousy. What changed, God? I found myself repeating that phrase, for way too long. Up until this last summer I asked him about it, and he turned it around on me...what changed, Jordin? You were so close, and then you visited so little with me. Do you meet with me just for feelings...?

A hard lesson to learn but one I've needed to learn and overcome. and am overcoming. It's such a freaking process...!

At some point though, the self examining can be very unproductive and impractical. It ends up being self-absorption. It's one thing to learn from your mistakes, learn more about yourself and through all that learn to love yourself a little more. But constantly trying to perfect yourself? not okay. Not my job! I don't remember the scripture, but I know there are promises in God's word about being perfected until the day we meet Jesus, being made more like him, yadda yadda. That's being done to me to an extent, not while I lay around waiting for it to happen to me, but while I am "being perfect as he is perfect", walking in the light of the extent of the understanding that I have. I'm doing what I believe I need to be doing, going up as far as my ability and knowledge takes me, and the rest is up to Jesus.

Does that make sense?
It gives me a lot of peace.

of course there's always room for improvement. but what's the point if I can't even realistically be where I "want" to be? I might as well "meet myself where I'm at" so to speak. and not beat myself up about it. Isn't that how Jesus is to us? gotta love ourselves like He loves us...

Micah got me in the mood for blogging. I feel like I've lost my "voice" when it comes to expressing myself these days...maybe I've just changed. I can deal with that. That's it for now.