radical

I learned some stuff today that i want to grasp on to and never ever ever forget again.

at Urbana i was scared to come home to float along the river of the typical, comfortable, and okay-with-the-world-the-way-it-is. because at Urbana i learned about bringing the Kingdom of Heaven to earth. It's possible. and i consistantly forget that. I did forget.

thankfully, God is God and knows my heart and what's up here in my area. prairie lakes today was freaking exactly talking about what was stirring my heart at Urbana. pastor John talked about how if we arent disturbed with the way things are (inside and outside of the church walls) then things will never change. how we will just continue to coast along and be okay with where everything is right now.

i am NOTAFAN of this comfortable Christianity. i want to rile up everyone and wake them up too!! this i KNOW God has put on my heart, because i'm so passionate about the thought of a revelation among our people today, to GO and SERVE and TELL everyone what Jesus can do to them!!

i think we just gotta remind ourselves everyday of where we came from, and that we are new creations made to put on Jesus flesh and blood and just go. go. go. go. don't have to go across the world, just across the hall.

(a lot of this is preaching to myself. ps. i need to tell myself this.)

i'm gunna try to take steps towards being a radical for Jesus. and learn all i can about Him.
keep me accountable for this.

i need to write. lots more. songs/musings/philosophies.

in process.

ACK. :]

OHHHH BLOGGER. i do not know where to start!

break has been pretty DARN swell. don't really know what happened pre-Urbana but it doesnt even matter. (if you don't know what Urbana is: urbana09.org)

Urbana helped me realize that we serve a REAL, PRESENT (that means He's among us, NOW, alive!), and INCREDIBLY loving GOD!! and He's not just with us, but fights to win EVERY heart in EVERY man all across the Earth.

wow, just wow. this God is becoming so much more real to me. and i'm realizing that i was right in my previous thoughts a few months ago...that the only thing that matters is a ever growing and seeking after, personal relationship with the One who molded and created me and holds me in His hand. Praise God.

I'm choosing now to not worry so much about what my "calling" or "vocation" is supposed to be. I talked to Paul about this earlier today, and he gave me some great advice about it. He said if God hasn't made it crystal clear yet (since I am waiting to hear/see/know), that perhaps I'm just not ready to hear what it is yet, and I'm exactly where I need to be. How comforting that is!!!

I'll continue to seek Jesus, and all will be well. right?

school starts next week. my parents picked up my books for me (praise God. i am super blessed), they are sitting on my bed and i'm kind of geeking out at the book A Writer's Reference by Diana Hacker. we did excercises in an older edition in high school and i loved the book...why i obsess over learning about proper sentance structure and editing? hmm... :] hopefully i find my english classes actually fun/meaningful.

mm. i feel really good about where i'm at. really excited to get back to the dorms.
love ya'll. <3

"therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being RENEWED, day by day. for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal GLORY that far outweighs them ALL. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is ETERNAL."
2corinthtians 4:16-18

kinda want to know who reads this.

comment if you do, plz! you can stay anonymous, i dont care.


today feels like it was short. stupid work. got some crap done though. and got to see avatar in 3D, pretty sick.

i think its funny that i always gravitate towards people older than me. seems like all my friends anymore are a year or more older. a select few that arent, but they act mature (ish) ;]

i cant believe its christmas eve already! i think i get to open presents tomorrow.

listening to "be here now" by ray lamontagne on repeat.

i still dont feel like i have any close friends. it sounds retarded and high maitenence, but it just feels like i have all aquaintences. it feels like people dont want to be real with me, the people that should be? no idea. i'm just frustrated. i long for deep conversations with people. i'm sick of this surface-level stuff complain-about-everything-because-i'm-the-center-of-the-universe. fjdksa;lknl.

i feel like i need to start over, with someone i dont know. just randomly make friends with some girl, and be a great great great friend to her, and perhaps shed return the favor. or better yet a guy...haha. i'm not so sure if i'm ready to be exclusive though...being single is so fun.

i really want to volunteer starting next semester. i'm going to do that instead of uni singers. because i'd only be doing the singers for my own benifit because i sort of miss it and i think i have somewhat of a talent for it. someday i'll try out for chorale, i think, because thats the only one id really want to be in, its more exclusive, and better.

anyway. back to volunteering. i dont know what i'd do, i kind of want to make/serve food to people at the catholic worker house like i used to. i felt like that was one of the more fufilling things i've done. actual homeless people in waterloo go there to eat. i'll ask my old teacher if he still does it. we had a great time talking too.

that was a great thing i learned at st edwards. service. its so rewarding, and like, benificial to the community, but like you dont recieve any real gains besides feeling good about yourself? and for me, it just puts everything back into perspective. i am made to serve God and others. all i do is serve myself.

i think thats what keeps us running in circles.

church at cvcc tomorrow. hope it goes alright. pray that i'm not too judgemental/distracted.

being open.

hmm. lots of stuff flyin by me lately. i've learned that i can be a huge lazy butt when it comes to the end of semester. its like i try to avoid being stressed out so much that i simply dont care about what my grades end up being. ha. i've been staying up soooooo late this past week, when i should've been studying and jank. oh well.



i dont feel like i've got my priorities quite straight lately either. last weekend was great and all, but it made me a little burned out? i really just want to leave town and spend a while alone. i have to quit looking for God somewhere in the world, or shortcuts to Him, because the only way to Him is...through Him! haha. i have been pretty selfish with my time lately though. it feels like this happens a lot when i have tons of school stuff to do...i sort of let it pile up and do nothing about it, and most of the time doing other things instead and filling my mind with things that dont matter so much.



haaaaa.

*later...

mind officially blown. just rollin with it. what the crap is going on. but i'm not worried. haha! woo..
this was said to me tonight and i'm keeping it as a reminder:

"it's the damn watered down, comfortable, middle class american christianity bullshit that views christ as a pitiful, scrawny dead guy on a crucifix. jesus is no wuss! he is a conqueror! he is a fighter! and he grants us (ME) the authority to fight in his name. and i choose to fight mediocrity. i choose to fight the programmed life of career, achievement, performance, evaluation, and stock market. i am not my khakis. i am not what i own. i am not what i think about myself or what the world thinks about me. i am righteous because jesus told me so. i am love because GOD himself wraps his arms around and around and around me and tells me he loves me and everything will be okay."

-not trying to make you a big deal, but that is such a good reminder. this is life...i'm God's girl. everything is already done, i'm just supposed to live all of me for Him. no worries.

i'm too tired to go much in depth. tomorrow is a new day. thank the Lord above!!!

my mind is reeling, yet i'm at peace.

it might be the mood lighting in here. huge fan of it, by the way. christmas lights, lamp and vanity light is on. glorious.

so i had a crazy weekend. something different from the work or homework or friends that ususally take up my weekends. (not in a bad way). but yeah. being in a forced leadership role can do a lot to a person. it makes you learn stuff, no matter what. i've always felt like i have had a good-ish perception of God (more recently than ever), and this weekend reassured this for me.

...i just got hit with a wave of tired. uck. blogging another time.