a short rant on a trait of Yahweh

For starters, I don't claim to fully know Yahweh, the God of the Bible. But in my short journey I have come to know and begin to understand a few things (is that presumptuous?). I'm also not a Bible scholar in my own right. I have witnessed people's lives and their stories, how others have related to God and try to convey His character to other people. There's some things people say about Him that just don't make a bit of sense to me.

This also isn't thorough by any means. Just a few thoughts.

I think a lot of people say that it would be a presumptuous statement for me to make that I understand a little bit about God. Why is that? They would probably quote Bible verses like in Isaiah, "my ways are higher than your ways, and my thoughts are not your thoughts, declares the Lord." But, doesn't Isaiah also write that the Lord wants us to "come together and reason together", to make a case for those who don't believe, etc? Thinking about it logically, why would I believe something I could never understand at all?

Anyway, here are my gripe(s):

"God's in control." (in response to tragedy, conflict, etc) "He knows the future."
"Everything in life comes from the hand of a loving God."
"You have _____ illness/death in your life because God's in control and apparently he's testing you or doesn't want you to have/not ready for ____ OR/AND you have sin in your life."

and on and on.

My understanding is that these statements come from a misunderstanding of the character of God.

In reading stories in the Bible, and in living some life, God does not display these traits of him being in total control of all situations ever.

One example is Genesis 6:6. " The Lord regretted  that he had made humankind on the earth, and he was highly offended."

If God had all control of human beings and the earth, how could they fall into sin, something that deeply grieves Him? Why would he allow that? And it does not seem possible that in that case, God would have regret about anything. That word in the Hebrew has huge emotional meaning. It means to be angry at someone or oneself, grief, sorrow, experiencing emotional pain, weakness, etc.

Also, if God saw the whole future, how did he miss seeing this intense regret shortly after creating mankind? That would make the Lord a fool and not smart. Which we know is not our God, even if you believe these things.

Again this is in scripture in 1 Samuel 15. Its the story of God telling Saul (and he had been telling the Isrealites for hundreds of years before) to wipe out the Amalekites, and he only half does it. It says that God regretted making Saul king, and makes a new decree that the kingdom will be put in the hands of another.

Just a few examples for the reader to ponder on with God and re-evaluate what is true.

On to the next thing; an example:

A couple has a miscarriage. A church-going friend, in effort to comfort, says, "God is in control, he meant for this to happen for some mysterious reason." Or, in condemnation, "Well, this doesn't make sense other than you must have sin in your life!"

Come on.
Who doesn't cringe at that? How are those any comfort to a family who has lost a loved one?

To me, an all loving being that took care of all sin in all eternity in one swipe (or do we really believe that?) would not punish those who agree with him and are walking with him in their sin. He already took care of sin, for believers and unbelievers alike. What's the point of His salvation if we have to be punished for sin after we accept the fact that He took care of it?
This is not to say that I don't believe in natural consequences to mistakes we make, or that God doesn't discipline us when we need it. Discipline is just a realignment with Truth. Anything else is a misunderstanding. Perhaps parents that lashed out of anger instead of understanding and love. God is the perfect parent, and does not lash out in uncontrolled anger.

I think that's all I want to say for now. I know God wants us to use our brains and think out stuff like this, so I pray that you do take the time to figure out where these theologies came from and what is Truth and what isnt.
If you have questions on specifics or see a flaw in my logic, you can message me and we can reason together! However, I will not accept fighting or put downs.

Thanks for reading.

self examining

Its interesting how when I was not married, it seemed all I did was self-examine, reevaluate, change some things, try that on for size, and then "on and on to the point of nausea" as a favorite song lyric of mind would say (name that tune).

Now in this short span of time that I have nights free I find myself reverting to those same patterns.

Is it legit? Is it worth my time...?

In some ways I'd say yes. Last night I spent looking at my journal from a time I felt closest to Jesus. Felt being a key word there. I was feeling a lot of things at that time. Then the feelings seemed to stop all of a sudden and I took a turn for the worse.

At one point I was looking back at that time with jealousy. What changed, God? I found myself repeating that phrase, for way too long. Up until this last summer I asked him about it, and he turned it around on me...what changed, Jordin? You were so close, and then you visited so little with me. Do you meet with me just for feelings...?

A hard lesson to learn but one I've needed to learn and overcome. and am overcoming. It's such a freaking process...!

At some point though, the self examining can be very unproductive and impractical. It ends up being self-absorption. It's one thing to learn from your mistakes, learn more about yourself and through all that learn to love yourself a little more. But constantly trying to perfect yourself? not okay. Not my job! I don't remember the scripture, but I know there are promises in God's word about being perfected until the day we meet Jesus, being made more like him, yadda yadda. That's being done to me to an extent, not while I lay around waiting for it to happen to me, but while I am "being perfect as he is perfect", walking in the light of the extent of the understanding that I have. I'm doing what I believe I need to be doing, going up as far as my ability and knowledge takes me, and the rest is up to Jesus.

Does that make sense?
It gives me a lot of peace.

of course there's always room for improvement. but what's the point if I can't even realistically be where I "want" to be? I might as well "meet myself where I'm at" so to speak. and not beat myself up about it. Isn't that how Jesus is to us? gotta love ourselves like He loves us...

Micah got me in the mood for blogging. I feel like I've lost my "voice" when it comes to expressing myself these days...maybe I've just changed. I can deal with that. That's it for now.

mmm.

Papa has been such a teacher lately. He makes everything I notice in passing relevant to what He is teaching me. GAH. He has brought me so far!

Oh, Jordin. You are lovely.

Looking at past posts. All I read is "angst angst angst."

Thank you JESUS for santifying me. You are my one and only!!

Been doing more personal journaling lately. I'm trying to wean myself off of the internet...its semi working.

Break has been simply amazing so far. I'm kind of sad that it feels shorter than what it actually is. Because I have tomorrow and part of the next day free, then I'm off to my dads, then I'm off to Kansas City for onething, then I only have a week left!

God has been working on me lately with all-out-ness. You know, giving it all away, surrendering it all. The more I try to wrap my head around it, the more I realize there is to surrender up to Him. It's nuts, and beautiful. It's so beautiful because of His patience, and He isn't all like, well you get a C for the day for not giving it all to me. He's like, you are so precious for taking steps toward me, and I am ravished beyond words by you.

THATS why I worship my God in heaven!!! <3

It's rare that I blog on here. Check out jcow.tumblr.com. I'm on there on almost a daily basis.

i would enjoy companionship.
i hope the people i tell that i'm not dating anyone for a while dont think i'm a stuck up snot. i really would like someone to keep me warm at night and someone who gets me and loves to do the things i love to do and loves God. someone i could share life and love with.
of course i want that.
but its not the point...who doesnt want that? errrbody does! its a given.
so why not live...beyond that?
instead of going with the flow and "ope whoops i got into a relationship and now i dont want to be anymore"...why not trust that God's got it taken care of? for all i know i'm going to be single the rest of my life...unless its plainly obvious that some really awesome dude is headed the general direction i'm going. its gotta be God oriented for me. i'm leaving it up to my Daddy to take care of me...up until that point and through it! because He's good and loves me, and I need to trust him more because of it.

judgement: my deamon. it can die anytime now.

trip

i'll tell more about it later (maybe), but i'm pretty sure this is the first time ever that i wasnt looking forward to coming home from something. like yeah its nice to be home, but only because its where the people i love are, and nothin else.

God definitely took me places mentally that i've never been to or wanted to go to. i have this sick bitterness rotting inside of me that i want to shovel out. not quite sure how or why or what the deal is, but its here and there's a reason for it, but i obviously want to be a better example of Christ and that requires getting rid of it sometime. it just latches on to any possible thing that would remind me of it, and i lose touch for a few minutes and just think about stuff.

i just need to stop dwelling. focus on reality. focus on the unseen.

anyway. i want to move out already. haha.

what a day!

It's only a small issue now. I don't feel so much a part of it or that its a life or death situation, because I'm just fine. I've been spending a lot of time by myself and just soaking God in through situations and quietness and even the chaos. He is very good.

I just needed to get a lot of that off my chest. right now what it feels like is just a lingering unknown. things are weird and thats OK. whatever. its normal. I just want to have everything on the table, even if it hurts. I need to know truth in order to properly deal with things, I think we all do. I suppose I can learn to move on without it, but I care too much. I wanna know whats up.

Tonight was splendid.
The whole day was pretty bomb, actually.

Woke up at Jess's (it was a great way to start the morning :]), went to Waffle Stop solo and talked to an oldish guy for a while. More like he talked to me about his daughters the whole time. I liked hearing about it, honestly, I just had a hard time relating to him! Class, found out I have at least one A this semester! Finished packing up stuff...rocked my biology test...moved out...Pita Pit with Kristen with some lovely conversation and laughs. Lampost for even more laughs. Bonfire. Hang out with Kristen, Alyssa and Jess, dance the night away. It was so refreshing to just look like an idiot out in public.

I'm getting more and more excited for Des Moines in June. It's gunna be tough being away from everyone, but I keep realizing that I really need the time to think through a bunch of things. A big one being relationship stuff, what I want and what I need to save myself from. I'm not going to put up with any kind of relationship until I seriously think about this stuff...because I've set it aside as not important for so long. When really, it ruins me. I just need a better grip all around on my individualism, so I may have that grounding and be able to thrive and love God more WITHOUT BOUNDRIES and love people with BETTER boundries...haha.

Anyway its about 4 am and I should probably sleep. It's been nice catching up, Blogger. Sorry that I've been over-personal lately. Keepin' it real, always.